How Firedance has saved my Life
by Christiane Meyer
Trigger Warning
The following content contains a description of domestic violence, including physical and mental abuse. This text mentions harmful behaviors such as manipulation, control, threats, and emotional trauma. These topics can be distressing or triggering for individuals who have experienced or are currently experiencing abuse. Reader discretion is advised, and please take care of yourself while engaging with this content. If you are in immediate danger or need support, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a helpline for assistance.
In the beginning of my twenties, I discovered firedancing on a little island in Thailand.
The fascination has caught me immediately and it didn’t take long until I bought my first pair of practice poi. I took them traveling around the world with, and I was super happy to have found an alternative to the dance lessons from home. Whenever I saw someone playing with fire, I would literally run to that person watch them with wide open eyes and hope that I could also have a go.
Then I decided to go back to Thailand to live there for a while. Paradise islands and fire shows every night.
But things turned bad. Really bad.
Back then, on these islands, I was caught in a very toxic relationship. The abuse destroyed my body and my psyche. It took all my energy. Soon I suffered depression and anxiety. Had panic attacks. I felt isolated, paralysed and scared. My body was in constant fight or flight mode. Was constantly trying to recover from the latest wounds. My thoughts have been self-destructive and very confusing. There was so much darkness to stand with. So many secrets that I couldn’t speak out about.
I have always been a very self-confident person. Outgoing, social, free, content and creative. Back on the islands, I let myself become small. I believed the bullshit that was talked upon me. Some of it was the min play of a narcissist. Some other parts have been the many cultural differences.
I wanted to fit in. I believed that the abuse was my fault. Somehow wanted to prove that I am able to be „a good girl“.
I was told to not laugh with an open mouth. To not speak up for myself. To not be crazy (in a sense of being creative). To dress „proper“. To not speak with other man, even better if I don’t speak to other people at all. To not talk about science as it would make others feel down who can’t keep up. To not stretch in public. The list goes on. Finally, to not complain when I am being hit for doing any of these wrong. My rebellious and creative self kept fighting tough, and often enough I had to feel the consequences.
Times in prison
So I found myself in a prison. A prison of internal thoughts, doubts, emotions, secrets, shadows and external threats and dangers.
As a result, my body became numb.
MY SAFETY LINE WAS THE FIRE DANCE
Fire is the most passionate element of the 5. It stands for vitality, willpower, and passion. It is a source of rising energy. Often, the fire element is connected with the feeling of joy and seen as a symbol of wisdom.
At times, this was the only thing I could do.
I could not allow myself to feel, speak, or decide.
But I could take that flame and draw some circles. I could let myself be guided by it and gift my body that moment of freedom and creativity.
I was incapable of finding clear thoughts. They were stuck in my hope for a future and past traumas.
But the fire has brought me back into presence.
For that very moment, it was the anchor to let past and future be, and just be.
For that very moment, I could feel my spirit.
For that very moment, I was alive.
The firedance was my escape.
The firedance was my connection to god.
A timetravel back to the island, 2013.
A new beginning
Luckily, I came free from that relationship and left my life there behind.
The healing work that I loaded myself was a massive junk to work through. But I don’t regret anything. As a matter of fact, I am very grateful for my journey into the dark, just to be able to see the light more clearly.
Flowarts have guided me towards new communities, new ways of movement, new ways of thinking.
The most heard compliment that I get, when I dance (with or without fire) is, that one can see my great joy doing it. Every time that I do this art form, I get reminded of the blessing I have to be able to be alive. The blessing to be able to feel my body, to connect to my spirit, to be safe.
Yes I might get burned. Yes I might do mistakes.
…But I can heal. I can learn. I can dance my pain away.
As a matter of fact, I am not alone with this experience. Quite a few people pick up Flowtoys as a safety pole. The movement with objects can help to untangle thoughts. Can help to feel safe in a crowded place (just hold onto your toy, and you’ll be happily busy with yourself). Can help to soften the body and liberate emotions.
And this is the story of MetaMoreFire.
A fire, however it may look for you, can be found in silence.
Use that fire to find your flow. This flow will help you to set free from your limiting thoughts, emotions, and patterns. Use that fire to find your presence, find your true being, and to come back to happily celebrate your life. As you are supposed to do.
If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, please read this:
You are not alone. It is not your fault. It is not your responsibility to heal someone else. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. It is okay to fail. It is necessary to step away and allow yourself to heal. If you stand up for yourself, it is a sign of bravery, not weakness. We need people in this world to care for themselves before caring for others. You can do this.
Please know that there are places you can turn to for help and support:
Domestic Violence Hotlines: You can call a domestic violence hotline for immediate support, guidance, and resources. Trained professionals are available to assist you and provide information on your options.
Shelters and Safe Houses: There are shelters and safe houses where you can find refuge from the abuse. These places offer a safe environment and provide resources such as counseling, legal assistance, and practical support.
Local Law Enforcement: If you’re in immediate danger, don’t hesitate to call the police. They can intervene to ensure your safety, file reports, and guide you through legal options.
Counseling and Support Groups: Seek out counseling services and support groups in your community. They can offer emotional support, coping strategies, and help you rebuild your life after leaving an abusive situation.
Legal Aid Services: You have legal rights, and legal aid services can help you understand and exercise them. They can assist you in obtaining restraining orders or protective orders against your abuser.
Healthcare Professionals: Don’t hesitate to reach out to healthcare providers if you need medical assistance for injuries or emotional support. They can also refer you to support services and counseling.
Religious or Community Organizations: Religious institutions and community organizations may offer support and assistance to survivors of domestic abuse, including shelter, counseling, and advocacy services.
You’re not alone, and there are people and organizations ready to help you find safety and healing. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support.